Do you have a t-shirt that loudly announces your philosophical views on sleeping habits? Or have laughed when you saw someone’s screaming kid wear a top that proudly said ‘I don’t do quiet’?

A few years ago, my friend Carolina was sporting a t-shirt that at first glance said FAIL. I was a bit taken aback that she would label herself in this way, however on closer inspection, it actually said underneath ‘First Attempt In Learning’. 

I absolutely loved it.

How does failure impact our effectiveness?

I grew up with a Tiger-mum. Check out the definition here. This meant that failure was not an option. 

It’s not just academic and musical success that was emphasised – it was also behavioural success that was demanded. Not meeting my mother’s expectations in piano and violin practice regularly resulted in arguments, tears, and occasionally being locked out of the house. A common occurrence with Tiger parents is telling them that you scored 99.95 on your high school scores (the highest possible score) – they demand to know what happened to the other 0.05. 

For many people, this is the path to success. You’re pushed hard by a parent, teacher, or boss. You work hard because you don’t want to let them down. You want to rise to their expectations. You actually start making progress. This can be very effective – up to a point. 

What we don’t realise is that as we strive for success and affirmation from others, we are inadvertently developing an unhealthy relationship with failure. We fear the consequences of not meeting expectations – usually it is being reprimanded or feeling as though we have disappointed or let down someone. These are feelings we naturally want to avoid.

What started as external expectations imposed upon us can become internalised voices that tell us that failing is bad. We subconsciously cap ourselves because we won’t try anything where failure is possible. We avoid situations where the outcome is uncertain or there is risk involved. Activities where creativity and innovation are required take a backseat – because you just don’t know how things will turn out.

In actual fact, the consequences of avoiding failure are much more detrimental to our overall success and sustained effectiveness. 

Even if we have grown up as ‘failure-avoiders’, it is possible to cultivate a healthy relationship with failure, and leverage its power to exponentially increase our impact 

We just need to change our perceptions of it. It needs a reframe.

The Reframe

Failure is purely an arbitrary assessment of what is successful and not. This means anyone can decide who or what is a failure. Too quickly, we just assume that whoever, or whatever has labelled our actions or behaviours as a failure is correct and true. But this is far from the truth.

Failure is also often seen as a final destination. A concrete decision that cannot be changed. That also is far from the truth

What if we changed our rules on what is considered a failure? What if it wasn’t the final destination, but a necessary part of our journey?

What would you change?

Your language – language gives a direct road into a person’s belief system. Change your language and change your beliefs. And the change is for both internal and external language.

When you shift from saying ‘I am a failure’ to ‘I failed to …..’ your brain begins to rewire and forge new neural pathways. Failure goes from being a noun to a verb. Nouns can be more static – you freeze, you stop, you procrastinate, you avoid. Verbs are ‘doing words’ (as we are taught in primary school). You keep moving, growing, trying. Failure moves from being part of your identity to something you can take action to change.

Don’t fear failure – Some great advice around fear is to actually do the very thing that scares you. In the majority of situations, you find that most of the fear and anxiety is amplified when you ruminate and think about the potential outcomes. When you take action, your experiences show you that it’s not that bad at all and you are more resilient than you thought. Try something that you could actually fail at, learn from the situation and then have a laugh about it.

Change the scorecard – What if success was not about avoiding failure, but it was about getting out there and doing something bold and courageous? What if failure meant you weren’t trying something new? Change what it means to fail and succeed. Have the courage to challenge your own internal chatter and the expectations that others have of you. 

Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter – Dwight Lyman Moody

Experiment instead – Going back to Carolina’s t-shirt – if failure is about the ‘First Attempt in Learning’ then we need to extract maximum learning from each apparent ‘fail’ and reflect on what we have learnt. We then apply these learnings to our next experiment.

Recently I attended some coach training, and we were taught that instead of trying things where we could ‘fail’ in, we should ‘experiment’ instead. It takes away the sense of risk and detaches itself from our worth and identity.

Failure, innovation, and impact

When you change your relationship with failure, it will work for you. New and innovative solutions require risk and many iterations of experimentation. The world needs people who are bold enough to move past their fear of failure and create solutions that will change people’s lives.

Will you join me and other brave change-makers to take on this challenge today?