A few years ago I was introduced to the Japanese philosophy of Kintsugi. Kintsugi means ‘golden repair’ and is an ancient art of repairing broken pottery pieces using a mixture of lacquer and powdered gold, silver or platinum. The result is an object that is considered more valuable and beautiful than before. Its flaws are not hidden or discarded but become works of art – each one different and unique.
This philosophy resonated with me so much that it has become an integral part of LUCID LEADERSHIP’s guiding principles and basic belief in humanity. Check out the logo! Kintsugi is a tangible expression and reminder that as humans we are all fallible and imperfect. We have weaknesses, flaws and aspects of ourselves we would rather hide away. However, to try and mask these imperfections or even attempt to get rid of them completely prevents us from seeing what these flaws could become.
What’s your first reaction when you make a mistake?
Do you berate yourself or look to see how someone else could be held responsible? What’s your first reaction when someone else fails to meet your expectations? Do you respond in understanding and empathy, or do you grit your teeth saying, “it’s fine, don’t worry about it”?
I admit that I’m a recovering perfectionist. As an Enneagram 1 (also known as the Strict Perfectionist or Reformer), I have extremely high standards for myself and for those around me. I don’t envy my husband or kids! My watershed moment was reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown. Through Brené’s research she identified 10 ways we try to cover up our flaws and imperfections because we don’t believe we are worthy of love and belonging if people knew the truth about us.
As I ticked off operating in every. single. coverup. I realised how exhausted I was. I began to realise that my commitments to help others, to do good, and to lead others was partly because I was too afraid and too ashamed to just be myself. I deflected attention away by being a good person and by doing the right things. Outwardly no-one had a clue what really drove me and for many years I didn’t either.
However, back to Kintsugi…this idea that by highlighting and embracing our flaws we can actually live a life of integrity and authenticity. I began to see that the notion of perfect vs imperfect is a fallacy. The standards around what is perfect are determined by culture, industry, the latest Instagram and Tik Tok feeds.
However, when we accept our whole selves – and see that as our strength we operate from a place of clarity. We don’t worry that we don’t meet the expected standard because we know that everyone else has their unique strengths and imperfections. We develop greater self-compassion which extends to others.
It takes courage to expose and admit our imperfections. It’s not about resigning ourselves to that fact that “that’s just the way I am, so deal with it”, and it’s not making excuses for our mistakes or bad behaviour. It’s being ok with who we are and what we have done, but it’s also about taking responsibility for our actions and continually growing and learning to become the best version of ourselves.
On my shelf is the famous ‘Serenity Prayer’, which articulates this beautifully.
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference
What happens when we accept our imperfections?
- We become aware of subtle messages everywhere that tell us we need to be perfect
Not everyone is going to be happy about our choice to embrace our imperfections. We may be subject to unwanted advice, criticism and efforts to ‘fix us’. Sometimes these ‘weaknesses’ are just arbitrary standards that culture and society has dictated. The beauty industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that exploits our fear of being physically imperfect.
As an Asian-Australian woman I experienced these societal expectations of what true beauty was – to have flawless, light-coloured skin and big eyes. I never really noticed how these standards crept into my psyche and made me question my natural appearance. Travelling in Asia I could never find a moisturiser without a whitening component, and I would often be asked by shop assistants whether I wanted help in getting rid of my freckles. When I was a teenager, even my father asked me if I wanted to have plastic surgery to make my single eyelids into double eyelids!
- We can stand firm in our convictions
When I received messages that I should hide my ‘flaws’, I felt incomplete and unworthy. However as I have learnt to accept who I am and be clear on what I can’t change (or what is not worth changing), I can truly focus on what really needs to be changed to make this world a better place.
When we channel our energies on things that matter, we can stand firm in our personal convictions and are not swayed by the latest trends that feed on our fears.
Today I can proudly say I am a medium-toned, freckled, single-eyelid woman and I am beautiful just the way I am.
- We have greater connection with others
An amazing shift in atmosphere happens when a leader is confidently self-aware and is able to be vulnerable and share what they struggle with. If the leader has high self-awareness, they will also understand the impact of their struggles on others and will be committed to make changes that are necessary. All of this increases the levels of trust and connection amongst the people we impact.
“We might impress people with our strengths, but we connect with people through our weaknesses.”– Craig Groeschel
Amy Edmonson, author of ‘The Fearless Organization’, writes about psychological safety in the workplace. She defines it as “a belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns and mistakes”. It is clear that when leaders can set the example that it is ok to not always have all the answers, team members feel more comfortable to bring up concerns and ask for help. Leaders become more ‘human’.
3 Steps to Embracing our Imperfections
The changes that occur when we accept our weaknesses are critical to becoming an authentic leader and making a sustainable, positive impact.
- Identify and Articulate your imperfections
- Spend time recalling incidents, stories and words where you have felt embarrassed, uncomfortable, small, or humiliated. Perhaps there were times when you labelled in a certain way, or told you needed to change an aspect of yourself. These could have been outright forms of negativity or criticism, or it could have wise words of advice or subtle expectations through society and media.
- Learn to become more critically aware of the various inputs and voices that shape who you believe you are.
- This process might take a little while if you are so used to denying or burying your true feelings.
- Accept and Reframe your imperfections
- Practice self-compassion and accept these areas as part of your story.
- Reflect on these areas and what you have learnt from each of them, using the following questions as prompts:
- What positive ways have they shaped you?
- How do these experiences help you connect better with others?
- What sort of people or causes do you have greater empathy and compassion for?
- How do these situations make you angry or passionate?
- Embrace and be proud of the ways that your imperfections have strengthened you. Own your story
- Share your story
- Identify people that you trust and share what you are learning about yourself
- Look for opportunities to add unique value and apply these new learnings
Imagine the kind of world we would live in if more of us were accepting of our unique experiences and used them for the benefit of others.
Imagine the impact we could make.
